Uneasy Anticipation

So midnight tonight begins the Persian New Year - or Nowruz. It also coincides with the first day of Spring. This is significant to me currently because, back in the days of Taliban rule, they considered it an "...ancient pagan holiday centered on fire worship..." and celebration of it was banned. Since the overthrow of the Taliban in 2001, folks have returned to celebrations. However, historically, the Taliban likes to make it known that they're not cool with that. They like to make their usual "hello's" to the world during the week of Nowruz - by blowing theselves up among a group of people - often innocent civilians. This year is no different - except that this year, President Karzai also plans to annouce the gradual plan of handing over Afghan security responsibilites from NATO forces to Afghan forces. The Taliban don't like either group. So the media is reporting they may try to make an even bigger splash this year than in past years.

This is what is contributing to my uneasy anticipation. I've been here for 3 weeks now (it feels like 3 months - but not in a bad way - I've just soaked up so much data & sensory information in such a short time!). Since I've been here - things have been nice & quiet. While the hope is that things stay nice & quiet for my duration, the reality of the circumstances means that is practically an impossibility.

So, as I take a break during my night shift - smoking a cigarette under a perfectly clear, amazingly bright moonlit sky - I wonder: Will I hear it first or feel it? "It" being the first nearby explosion that is sure to come any minute, hour, day, week or month.

• Will I be awake or asleep in bed and "miss" the whole thing.
• Will it be close by or far away?
• Will it be near where I "commute" - or even along the path?
• Will it get me: completely so I don't feel or know a thing? a little bit so I just suffer some scratches & cuts? a lot to where I lose a limb or bodily function? or not at all - and just "happens around me" to where others are ruined, but I emerge without a scratch?
• How will I react?
• How will I think afterwards?
• What will I feel - emotionally?
• Will my committment to being?
• Or will I want to hop on the next plane out of here?

I'm not paranoid - I'm curious. Fearfully curious of course. I've read stories online from those who've been in life threatening situations over here. I've also heard first hand accounts from people along the way - during my time at CRC, and while processing through Kuwait - from people who casually talk about some horriffic things they've seen and been a part of. I know - I'm "just an I.T. contractor" (a Pogue or Fobbit to you Amry types) - and compared to a lot of folks, I've got it made in relative safety. But, the bad guys - they're opportunists and gamblers. They fails & miss often - but - they've gotten lucky plenty of times too. And that's all it is: pure luck for them. Dumb luck for those who suffer because of them. Bottom line is that the odds are in my favor.

For now - I'm just trying to stay focused on what is important: Work. Paying bills. Eating, sleeping, watching TV shows & movies. And just plain old goofing off whenever I can get a chance. I have to say - at least up till now - I'm right where I'm supposed to be and doing exactly what I should be doing by being over here. I'm very content "in the moment".